Slow motion day

I think my yoga practice for today will be an afternoon nap. I started out the day full of hope and promise — after two long days at 2nd Job today was looking like a shining beacon of opportunity to get some post-workshop, pre-book work done to clear my desk so I can get to what I really want to do — my directed studies paper on Polanyi.

But no. Apparently it is not to be. I got a little bit done this morning, but so far my day has mostly been spent trying to clear some work space out from under the piles of laundry and assorted paper crap that’s been accumulating around here for quite some time. Between that, and commiserating with a sick and unhappy Tab A, I have done almost exactly nothing of what I wanted to get done today. Plus I am now battling first-day menstrual cramps, so I think that makes this day pretty much a wrap.

Lunch out with a good friend I haven’t seen in a while and an afternoon nap should set me right again. Maybe, who knows, I’ll even find an hour or two to do some work later.

It’s anxiety-inducing, though — the degree of difficulty it seems to even try to get in one solid morning of work. Gah!! I have shit I need to get done. Must figure out a way to make time.

Victory!!

That may be a bit of an overstatement, but I’m considering our collective survival of the past couple of weeks to be a sort of small victory. That extra hour we got yesterday made me feel especially victorious this morning when I woke up spontaneously at 6:30 am, feeling like it was 7:30. It never fails to make me feel like a brand new person, that extra hour.

In other news, Tab A kicked his comp’s ass, writing something like 15 single spaced pages in the five hours of the exam. He has the oral defense coming up this week, and I’m pretty sure he’ll be victorious on that one too. As for me, I survived the workshop, and on the whole I think it went pretty well. Thankfully Tab A was there for the whole weekend and so I’ve been able to do some pretty good debriefing with him. I’m still troubled by some of the politics of the research, but there are good reasons also to keep playing — one of the main ones being that fact that I have an opportunity to shape this project in ways that I think make it useful and a little more critical than it would be otherwise.

So the next step is the book. The series editor was at the workshop and was happy with the papers. Now we have to rewrite the proposal and tighten things up with the chapter outline. Part of me is still shocked that this is happening, but I will need to rechannel that shock into some kind of productive capacity. Two years of working with Dr. J is enough to know that I will be doing the lion’s share of this thing, which is both opportunity and curse. I’m not going to pretend that it will be easy.

On the other hand, I think there’s some potential for good work to come out of this. I still need to find someone to fill a couple of holes in the overall analysis, and I’m a bit worried about that. I emailed someone later last week about a very important piece that we don’t have covered, and I’m worried that I won’t get a response. This is someone who is a relatively young academic, but who has already published a book on his research. Maybe he won’t be interested in contributing to a book edited by two people who have published very little on the topic — one of whom is a phd student (not even ABD, at that)? I don’t know.

What I do know is that the stakes are increasing, and that this research is rife with contentious politics. There is a significant ideological divide between the very critical and the not very critical (and some of this came out in the workshop), and as a result there’s a very real risk of immobilizing, polarized debate where we really, in fact, need work that is more reflexive and grounded on all sides. I think I can negotiate this, but it will be tricky. I cannot express how grateful and glad I am to have Tab A’s perspective in all this. I know there are benefits to not having an academic partner (such as, for example, financial security) — but being able to talk this shit over with him is worth millions. I have a hard time imagining how I would keep my head from exploding otherwise.

I’m happy to report victory on another front too — tickets to Mexico for the kids and I are bought & paid for. Spanish immersion course and homestay is confirmed, and I have a line on a little surf getaway on the Pacific coast after we finish the course and before I put the kids on a direct flight from Guadalajara to LA. After much brainstorming, my dad came up with the brilliant plan to hang out with the kids at my sister’s place in LA instead of coming down to Mexico for two weeks, thus saving much money and headache. There has been talk of 6 Flags and Legoland, and the kids are completely thrilled. So all told, the kids are in Mexico for a little less than four weeks, and I’m there for a total of six, with a couple of days visiting in LA for the tail end. Victory!

Next up: get all the chapter submissions organized and rewrite the book proposal in the next two weeks. I also want to submit my first paper for the directed studies course — I’ve read the first book (Polanyi’s The Great Transformation) and I owe my supervisor a 7-page review paper. I’m looking forward to getting back to some of the foundations in this course, and with the workshop organization out of the way I should have a lot more time for reading and thinking and writing. Victory!

ETA — I just checked my email and as I was writing this post, I got an email back from above-mentioned awesome young academic who I want to contribute to the book — he is interested and wants to talk this week. Oh yeah VICTORY baby!!

Five hours, four questions

Right at this very moment, my beautiful and brilliant Tab A is locked away in some room up at Alma Mater U, 2 hours into his 5 hour long comprehensive exam. It’s just him, a laptop computer (with Word only), no notes, and the past three months of studying swirling through his brain.

I just have to say — we have talked about almost nothing else but international relations theory for the past two weeks — and the man knows his shit.

And, I cannot wait to have my baby back. Go Tab A!!

I am not beyond bribery

Although I’m cheap. I’ve just sent the kids to the park with the dog and her frisbee. If they bring her back pooped (in both senses of the word), they get two bucks each. With any luck, they’ll expend a bit of their own excess energy in the process.

And for me? Chocolate. After each paragraph, one teeny tiny piece of the most delicious dark chocolate flecked with candied ginger and orange. Yum!!

Really, though, today is going well. Perhaps this is because I’m, uhh, actually writing? But more than that, I like what I’m writing. It makes sense to me, and in this process I’m crystalizing a lot of shit I’ve been thinking about. I guess that’s no surprise — I’ve probably written those exact words before in my reflections on writing the last few papers. But more and more it feels like I’m picking up the narrative of this running plot in my mind where, bit by bit, all the stuff I’m reading and thinking about is falling into place. It’s good to realize every once in a while that this practice of setting it all down in words and sentences and paragraphs is more than just an exercise in self-abuse. Like, actually, it’s kind of useful.

Does it have to be so goddamn hard, though? Does it?

I know that, in theory, there are people out there who make this sort of thing a regular practice, instead of making procrastination a regular practice. I think it’s called being a functioning, productive [writer, academic, human being].

In other news: I am going to Mexico with the kids for SIX WEEKS (!!!!) in January-Feb. Three weeks will be a Spanish immersion/homestay program in Guanajuato (I’ve been told that we can be lodged with a family with kids around the same age), then we’ll meet up with my super-fantastic dad to get set up in some all-inclusive place, and then I leave them to go back to Guadalajara for the field course through my uni and the University of Guadalajara. SO EXCITED!

Okay, now back to the crux of my paper. Oh mercy, the end is in sight now…

Argaaghghaarrr!!&!#*#!

This is the sound of me not writing. At all. Today, people, was a complete write-off. Err… Literally.

It didn’t need to be so. I woke up and effed around until about 10 — did a little bit of fixing up here & there but no real writing. Then it was Monk’s soccer game in the pouring rain. Then Moon’s game, also in the pouring rain. Home at 2:00, grab a fast sandwich and then Liza & I went to bottle wine — the first batch we’ve made at the brewery: thirty bottles of very drinkable Malbec. Then home, shower and head out again to friend’s kid’s first b-day bash. Dropped off the madly studying Tab A at a coffee shop on the way (comp in 4 days!), promised to return within a couple of hours. No problem — the house was full of very small and very loud children. Said hi & hugged some friends, observed the children, thanked the gods & goddesses that I somehow survived that stage of parenting (how long ago it seems…), rescued Tab A from the coffee shop, picked up enchiladas for dinner, and — wtf, it’s 8pm?  Gahhhh!!!!

How can my brain be fried after a day like that? What, exactly, did I do?

Okay. I have tommorrow. The kids are home, but whatevs. Tab A is on an early schedule, so I’m going to quit beating my forehead against the desk and watch some Deadwood and go to sleep early. In the morning, I slay this beast. I will do nothing else — NOTHING — until it’s done.

Unbelievable.

That paper?

Yeah, it’s almost done. Funny how deadlines work like that. They just kind of grow with you, like the pajamas that Moon wore from the time he was six until he was ten (um, they were stretchy, what can I say?).

Anyway, 2300 words and counting. I’m about halfway through, but I’m hoping that the second half will be faster than the first. It will, I swear. If it’s not I will probably die.

In other news, I have a new blog. It’s not that exciting — there’s only one post. On the other hand, it IS that exciting. Yay, research blogging!

And now, to celebrate my being finished the hard half of my paper, I will post some new pics on flickr. Yeah, that’s right, over there —–>

Making progress…. and new plans

Reporting progress: Birthday boy loved. Soccer games cheered. Thanksgiving shopping done. Laundry started (1/3 of the way through). Cleaning started (1/8 of the way through). Some reading done.

Tomorrow is crazy cleaning and cooking day. There is a marathon circling through the neighbourhood, so we will be going nowhere. In between the cooking and cleaning I might try for a bit more reading/organizing, although really I just need to write. Monday, despite the kids being home from school, will have to be a work day — my goal is to have a solid outline done so I can just sit down and write all day Tuesday. The kids have homework too, so that helps.

There are new plans in the works too, and I need to think them through a bit. It involves getting down to Mexico for some Spanish immersion. My Spanish sucks and I need to deal with that. Originally, I’d planned on going this spring, and bringing one of the kids with me to lessen the load on the Ex for the time I’d be away. As it turns out, he’s pretty keen on me bringing them both with me, and even offered to help out if he could (not holding my breath on that one — his cashflow is not good).

Looking at flights to Mexico, though, I realize that it’s not bad. I could get all three of us down there for $2,000, I figure. But then I’m looking at finding a Spanish immersion course (hopefully with a homestay) for all three of us. That in itself might be pretty pricey.

Now, although originally I’d though that May-June would be a good time to go — the end of the school year, after the spring session of Job 2 has finished and I’ve had a chance to sock away some money. Then, looking through the Big U website for exchange programs, I found a field course offered by my dept. — two weeks in Guadalajara in February. I emailed the prof, who is a bit of a department superstar, but who I don’t know well at all. He emailed back right away, very enthusiastic about my participation in the course.

So now the question is: do I combine the field course and the immersion Spanish into one trip in Jan-Feb. It’s a good time for the Ex to have some time to work on the house without the kids around. It’s a good time to get the hell out of Lovely City, which really isn’t so lovely in January-February. But: will I have enough money by then? And: can I find an immersion program/homestay situation and make the arrangements in time? And: what do I do with the kids during the 2-week field course in Feb.?

One idea is to see if I can convince my dad to come down for the two weeks I’ll be in the course. I like that idea — it would be super fun to hang with my dad in Mexico for a couple of weeks. My dad isn’t super excited about traveling, although he is pretty keen on spending time with the boys. I don’t know… it just might work.

Anyway, any contacts in Guadalajara out there? Suggestions on good Spanish schools? It all just seems so…. fast. But who knows — maybe it will work out?

Oh, in other news: I am starting a new, research oriented blog. I’ll post the link here once there’s some content up, but for now I’ve divorced my twitter from the incalculable curve, and I’ve added a flickr feed instead (that’s so much more fun anyway). Fun new blog times ahead — if you’re interested in critical reflections on the history of capitalism, that is… Whoooo!

Yeah, about that paper (another panic post)

My deep thought for this morning is: CRAP! When exactly am I going to get this #$&@ paper written??

Let’s map it out: The workshop is in two weeks. Paper should be done by next Thursday, latest. Ok, I can probably push it to Friday. I also have admin stuff to do. Not a lot, but some — confirm numbers for meals (by this weekend), figure out how the hell to get people from the airport to campus (make some calls today), chase after people for travel details (ugh, so annoying), get the website up (that will have to be a Saturday project). What else am I doing? Working at Job 2 — 10am till probably 9pm today (it was an 11 hour day yesterday — doubletime yeah!), and a 10-4 shift tomorrow (crap — I thought it was a shorter shift). Also tomorrow: Tab A’s birthday! Ok, so today and tomorrow I can expect to get nothing but some admin emailing done.

Saturday: Monk’s soccer 10:30-12, Moon’s game from 11:30-1. Still have no idea what fields they’re on — must coordinate with the Ex. Afternoon and evening: so far free — must guard these hours jealously. I could possibly get the website up and do some work on my paper. One problem: we’d planned to have Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, and so at some point I need to shop. Do you think I have planned ahead and found a turkey? God, no. Perhaps it will be a vegetarian Thanksgiving.

I’ll ask the Ex to keep the kids on Saturday night. They’ll get home Sunday morning — then laundry and clean the house (so horribly, horribly overdue). Cooking Sunday afternoon — there will be no paper-writing on Sunday. Note to self: do not drink too much wine — must get up early on Monday.

Monday: kids are home from school. Do not even attempt to write — I will finish any reading I want to do and perfect the outline so that come Tuesday/Wed. I can be a writing machine.

Tuesday: kids at school, hallelujah. No Job 2 this week either, double hallelujah. Wednesday: BLOCK OFF FOR WRITING. Thursday: Same as Wednesday, because oh crap, I just realized that I’d committed to going to Big City on Friday for a grant-writing workshop (to talk about grant-writing success — woot!). So, paper MUST be done Thursday — hell or high water, people.

Ridonkulous. Will I ever write a paper way in advance so I don’t have to panic at the last minute? Ever?

No, I thought not. Crap.

Rethinking twitter

Big changes around here. Over the weekend at Grannie’s I finally realized that it was time to permanently turn out the old ibook to pasture (*sob*). I think I passed through all stages of grieving: sadness, denial, anger, panic at realizing I don’t have the money to replace it.

And then finally I resigned myself to life without a laptop, at least for a while. Thank the gods & goddesses that I put that little bonus from teaching last year into an imac, which has really just been sitting around getting used by the kids (garage band — they’ve made some seriously cool tracks with it). Otherwise, there hasn’t been much time for either Tab A or I to put much time into learning Final Cut Pro, which was one of the original reasons for getting the imac (or, the Big Mac as it’s been affectionately termed).

But now the big mac is coming in pretty damn handy for its second purpose: to be a backup for the impending death of my laptop. In actuality, I’m surprised it took this long for the thing to be rendered too unreliable for use. I was terrified writing my last paper on it — trying not to jostle the power cord while I was typing, lest it would short out and the whole damn show shut down like someone had flipped a giant switch backstage. I just got lucky, I realize now.

In any case, I’m using the big mac for the first time — I’ve even moved it onto my real desk and I kind of feel like I’m at the iMax every time I sit down to use it. I suppose one gets used to the vertigo eventually.

One of the benefits, though, is that I now have enough disk space to do stuff like download twitter clients. Tab A got me on tweetie, which he’s been using as a research tool. Loves it. Raves. And honestly, I’m sold — now that it’s on my desktop, twitter actually is starting to make sense to me as a way to share information. Screw the status updates. I mean, okay. But after a while that shit just bores me. I could have tried to have a bit more fun with it, perhaps — I like the idea of creativity within constraints, but really?  The time/interest ratio has not been favourable for me, and thus my twitter feeds just kind of languished over there on the sidebar. I’m happy to be home? Oh, how interesting.

But now Tab A has got me on following all this cool shit, and I am finding out about stuff. Relevant stuff for my research — stuff that otherwise would not be in my line of view at all.

It’s good, but it’s making me rethink my online presence a little more too. Because if I want to use twitter as a researching/networking tool, and I don’t want my blog to be a professional space where I have to monitor too closely how I’m writing or what I’m writing about… Perhaps the two need to be separated?

On the other hand, I’ve also been wanting to write more about my research/thoughts, etc., and this leads me to consider my blogging space as well. I definitely don’t want a professional online space to maintain, but I do want to mull over ideas that would likely out me to some degree. And I also want to be able to mull over personal shit too… and I don’t want to try to maintain two blogs sites. Although… Perhaps this isn’t a bad idea? Hmm…

The my Grannie is old (and adorable) post

Well, she turned 85 (actually, today) and she is still holding her own in the retirement community in Lake Country. It’s pretty amazing, actually, esp. compared to poor old Mrs. R, who at only 84 is starting to get really, noticeably  fragile. My Grannie, on the other hand, is a crotchety old tank of a lady whose only noticeable age-related affliction is the hearing aids she so reluctantly wears.

Grannie makes a speech

Of course, the weekend was all about her, and she completely basked in the love and adoration. In her words (gesturing to the table full of birthday cards): “Can you believe all the wonderful things all these people said about me? Well, I never…” (Yes, she can believe it.)

My other favourite Grannie moment came when I was chatting with Tab A online, and she came up to ask me what I was doing.

Me: I’m just chatting with my boyfriend, Tab A.

Grannie: WELL WHAT ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND?

Me: —-??

Grannie: WELL AREN’T YOU MARRIED?

Me: Ummm…. I guess, technically, on paper….

Grannie: WHAT, YOU MEAN YOU DIDN’T GET A DIVORCE?

Yes, all kinds of fun. I also had a chance to run with this view:

Lake country

Way more hilly than I’m used to, and way higher elevation. But that run didn’t kill me as much as this run, with my super hardcore runner cousin (at way higher elevation too), but another amazing run:

Luckily (for me) we stopped to take lots of pictures

And then there was this, my mom and dad’s new pup:

the cuteness factor here is really off the scale

A great weekend, all things told….